I apologize for not writing much this month but I have a dilemma. And I’m probably not going to be very good at expressing this, so just bear with me.
I love change. I cannot sit still.
I don’t love change in all circumstances, but in some cases I need it. In fact, I crave it. I’ve come to realize that I cannot sit still.
Since I had my first taste of travelling the world, since I lived in another country – for my entire life – I’ve craved something. I don’t think wanderlust is the right word, but maybe it is. I honestly don’t know. I have to be constantly going, learning, doing. If I go without doing these things for very long, I find myself feeling that strange emptiness. I’ve never really defined that strange emptiness until now, but I’ve realized that it’s the craving for change.
I think this craving presents itself differently in everyone, but for me it’s characterized by an abrupt dissatisfaction. I’ve struggled with this for… pretty much my entire life. The reality is, I’m never as happy as I am when I’m travelling. I learn so much. I live deeply and intentionally, which is really important to me. Doing anything else with my life just seems strange. Once I’m back from one trip I’m ready to go again.
I hate returning. I unpack as slowly as possible, do laundry as slowly as possible. I go through all my pictures and sort them as slowly as possible. It takes my body about a week to readjust, but my mind never really does.
Some could say I live in the past, that my mind is stuck reliving previous adventures. Maybe that’s true, but those adventures are also my present, and my future. I’ve immersed myself in these other cultures and, whether I come home or not, I take them with me everywhere I go.
Long story short, I’m feeling that familiar restless dissatisfaction. I’m craving learning, going, doing, living intentionally. I’m ready to go again. I need to go again.